The Story Of My Life

get a life

2010-04-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...somethings...and some ppl makes me wonder whether they have a life or not....
they juz cant stop barkin at ur life and they tend to irritate me more and more. I had enuf by all those stupid ppls doin those kinda things.... hey i wanna ask u whether u have a life or not?? u dun?? ask ur parents or ask around for someone to come and guide u along the way to find u a good and better life for ur ownself rather than barkin at ppl....

Knwin u is such a disaster in life... hmph..... really, sometimes i wish to turn back the time and not to knw u. U knw wad?? I have a better life than u do..... u can talk bad abt me no matter how much u wan.....ALWAYS RMB THT PPL WILL STILL LOVE AND LIKE ME FOR WHO I REALLY AM.... i dun need to get ppls sympathy like u do.....

Am i too harsh??? yes??? well if it is....im sorry but tht is all the truth tht i wanna tell u...
i aint gonna apologize for anythin.....

confusion strikes.....

2010-04-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today really makes me think alot after hearin alot of opinions and advices.... wad kinda decision shud i make for my own life..... well i knw i am datin u now...but there r ppl who said i dun look happy bein wit u.. izzit bcuz i need to avoid alot of things? or do i still mind abt how our r'ship goin on? things r not easy to say.... nowadays ive been thinkin too much til it affect the way i treated her and my mood....

Some ppl say tht she still dunno wad she wants in life.... she can find happiness in both is tht why she still let it goes on?? i dun think i can take it any longer cuz nowadays ive been really sensitive abt wad's goin on especially after readin her msg to someone.... i cant forget it until today. Is she bein serious wit me or not? i dun wan it to repeat like last time anymore by tellin me different thing and tellin ppl another thing....wad shud i really do??

I really hope tht ure bein true to me as i am to u...i did not think nor imagine of playin wit ur feelins or wad from the beginnin. Now ure so important to me in my life and i let u understand me more compare to all my exes.... will u really appreciate it? i really wish to knw the truth...
yes i told u tht im not easily to be affected by frenz but this fren of mine really put the real thing in my head and makes me really think abt it....

Hope everythin will come clear in the future... as i dun wanna go on bein like this anymore...

the time is runnin low

2010-01-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry but i admit...this time i really fall in love wit u. I dunno wad makes it feels so strong but i knw my heart very well. I knw ppl been tellin u alot of bad things abt me, they even ask u dun trust me. But thank u for trustin me bcuz i am really not those type of person whom they said i am. I hope i prove to u well.

For me to give up is not an easy thing. But i really dun wish to see u bein sad and sufferin anymore. I admit im very sad and i cant give up, but to think properly i prefer sacrifyin myself also i dun wanna see u bein so miserable bcuz u have to choose. I knw u cant do it so i have to make the decision for u. I knw i said to u before no matter wad decision i make for u, u also cannot be angry,sad,cry or regret....bcuz i choose to let go actually. I knw u cried alot and i hurt u as well.

Pls dun ask me not to treat u good cuz i cant do it. I wish i can be the one who can love u,be there for u,care for u,share all ur happiness and sorrows. I really wish i could be the one. We agreed tht we will end things up on this friday but i really couldnt let go. I really cant, i'm so sad and weak rite now cuz i knw tht my heart choose to be wit u. I tried so hard to hold back my feelins for u but i failed. I knw ure attached but i rather take the risk bcuz im fallin in love wit u deeply.

Today is already a thursday, another day for us to be tgt and then everythin have to end up. I have to act strong in front of u cuz i dun wan u to be worried abt me. Bein wit u, shared my times wit u is the happiest moment i ever had after everythin. I never regret....im serious...i treasured it alot. While writtin this blog im listenin to ur favourite song...i cant hold back my tears anymore. Pls give me the strength to move on....i hope u can show me a happy face when we end things up on friday(eventhough i knw u will cry)

With tht i really love u wit all my heart, care for u wit all my soul. Shit, i knw when i wake up later my eyes will be swollen up. I dun wanna break down again in front of everyone. So this time im gonna be stronger. May god blesses u.....

Love,
Joel fitzroy phang

complicated....

2009-12-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

Things are so complicated nowadays, im so stress out, suffocatin, havin headache all the time. Well i have to make a cruel decision towards my gf. I said break up with her rite after our 3rd month anniversary. I do feel sad when i heard her cryin like tht.... but things is very complicated in my mind.

Wad am i doin also im not sure. Im goin thru a test now, god is tryin to test my jealousy. Seriously, even if i can act like im alrite but actually im really fightin thru my jealousy feelin. There's this special girl, i wanna be wit her...i really do but the things and environment is not allowin. Both of us have feelins for each other....and its strong but we cant do anythin to make it work.

Is this a rite thing to do?? is my decision correct?? i really hope things can work out btw us...im crossin my fingers and pray alot alot....

Relief

2009-10-04T10:31:00.001-07:00

Today i was tired, been not havin enuf sleep and i have to take care of my salon...somethin like im incharge when my boss is not ard. I was left wit 2 juniors, customers today like bullyin me only. Like they know im tired but yet they wan me to cut their hair, wan me to blow their hair. I was pretty exhausted but anyway i stayed smsin my gf the whole day.

I feel kinda happy tht we did talk to each other today eventhough we r not interactin over the phone but still we r smsin each other. No matter how exhausted i am also it doesnt matter cuz i still have her bein my battery. Hehehe sorry girl im callin u my battery.

Anyway when finish work tht time i really wanted to go home and juz rest or maybe sleep until the next day but my heart is tellin me NO cuz i wanted to see my gf so much so i stayed awake. I missed her so much, when she got online tht time we chatted wit each other...wit our webcam on. I feel so happy and calm and not exhausted once i saw her face. I feel like my energy is rechargin when i was talkin to her.

We chatted for few hours then my fren called me out for hang out session, i feel kinda guilty for leavin me gf behind and go out wit frenz. We already dun get to see each other often when the time is there for us to spend time together i actually decided to go out wit my frenz cuz its been a long time i nvr see her. Anyway the guilty feelin is still followin me, to make me feel better i still sms her and we chatted again. Eventhough she says its ok, i shud go out and have fun wit my frenz but deep down inside i knw she will miss me alot and there's alot of things she wanna tell me and talk to me.

I feel relief when i gotta knw tht my frenz started likin her already eventhough they haven meet wit each other. This gf of mine really cares for me and also my frenz. She would ask them how r they and will ask me to stay by their side when they needed someone. She is so special and i feel so lucky tht i found her. Thank god for sendin her into my life and brighten up my days again. Its been a while u knw, since i fell into a deep and dark hole where im tryin so hard to try to climb up but i fail. She came into my life and help me to climb up, she is the angel who were sent from god to help me thru all those feelings tht im feelin and she's fillin up the hole in my heart. She let me knw wads the feelin of bein loved again, she gave me the feelin of happiness, bein cared, bein missed and bein important.

How i miss those feelings after the previous one. All my frenz feels happy tht i can actually moved on and found someone so special to me. I dunno whether we were destine together or not but as far as i know both of us is doin our best to keep each other side by side. Its very rare to find someone tht u love who actually understands u and have so many similiarities wit u. When u found someone like tht please be sure to appreciate them. This is wad im doin.....

Baby i hope we can go thru this yeah. Missin u so much

worried

2009-10-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Now is 2.16am, i think she's sleepin soundly already. I cant really sleep cuz im worryin abt wads gonna happen to us. Im happy i found her....really, someone who help me thru all my sad days..i mean listen to me whenever im down. Help me to climb up again. She is really special, she can make me feel very very calm whenever i talk to her. But sometimes she can be a pain in the arse as well...juz by the way she talks to me.

Earlier today, she told me somethin tht i dun feel happy after hearin it...i was so worried til now also i cant get to sleep...some more i juz came back from sendin my fren Jannat to the hospital. She is so sick til she got no strength to talk to me also. Before i went out to get Jannat i was at home onlinin waitin for her to come online. She didnt yet she sent me a msg sayin tht she will online soon....then i waited again but i couldnt already...really need to go help Jannat.

This is the first time she didnt come online after sendin me a text sayin tht she's comin online. I was kinda sad but wad can i do. I dunno why nowadays she keeps on bein sick im really worried abt her. Wanna call her now but i scared ill bother her sleep.... but if i dun hear her voice i feel like somethin is missin in my life. Wad shud i do??

Wad can i do to really keep our r'ship goes on? She told me she only wants me and i felt the same way as well.... our journey isnt easy to travel...i hope ill get all the supports and blessings from all of u......bless us so tht we can be happy together....

27th september 2009

2009-09-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

Im writin here again as i dunno who to turn to. Well i was in a r'ship since 17th sep juz only started 10 days ago. I met this girl who i already known for 2 years now, all this while we've been contactin each other and we do tell each other stories of our life. Tht time i didnt have any feelings for her as i only take her as a fren, but there's one day i found out tht i've fallen in love wit her and i didnt confess first as im scared becuz of my past r'ship. So i did talk to her over the phone and found out tht she actually got attracted to me since last year but she couldnt confess cuz i was with other girl.

I was so blinded by love at tht time but things juz went wrong. I was so heartbroken then and i needed support. This girl was there to chill me up when i was down eventhough there were times tht i didnt wanna bother her she will text me all of the sudden and ask how am i? wad went wrong and stuff. Lets cut it short, we fall in love with each other. We were happy, fun, like to disturb each other but deep down inside we really do love each other.

But she is not ready to tell the parents abt us yet and i ask her to take things slowly too as i dun wanna hurt her feelings wit her family. Im scared she will suffer becuz of me, i dun wan her to suffer as it will hurt me to see tht to happen. I dun mind tht shes not ready to confess to her parents but i dunno why deep down inside im havin s sad feelin followin me. Is it bcuz i really love her this time? I knw deep down inside i really want her to be wit me and stay by my side as long as we can go on.

I've been prayin alot for us to get the blessings from her parents and also frenz. Things r find wit me and my parents but i dun wan anythin to happen to her and her parents. Wad shud we do to make all those things to work? Wad steps shud we do to get to be with each other?? Yeah i knw frenz will ask me to becareful and all. I juz wanna follow wad my heart ask me to do. Maybe things will be better or it might be worse. No matter wad it is nvr try nvr knw wad is the result.

In our heart we really wanna be wit each other, we really need ur supports and blessings. Pray for us, for tht day to come. Pray for her parents to accept me and accept us for who we are as we really love each other......

Surprised.....

2009-08-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

Its 2.46am now, well most of ppl shud knw i juz came back from my vacation from Thailand.
I was there for 3 days really tot i can actually relax and forget abt things back here in Malaysia but to my surprised i had a surprised in Thailand when i was in a shoppin complex.

I really tot tht all my feelins are hauntin me cuz this surprised very seldom happen to me. I think not all of u all knw the song 'i remember' by keyshia cole. Well i can tell u tht this is one special song to me. I have tht song in my car and i shared it wit someone who is so special to me on the 6th of june 2008. It was very early in the mornin, if im not mistaken it was almost 6am and i was wit my love one in the car and tat song played and we actually shared the first kissed together. I tot it was sweet but i dunno wad abt the ppl out there.

As i knw, tht song is very seldom played in Malaysia. Even in shoppin complex such as pyramid, mid valley, 1 utama or where ever ok.... i can only hear it once i guess. Well anyway come back to my vacation back in Thailand, to my surprised i heard tht song in their shoppin complex and i almost broke down over there but think back i was alone and i was in the shoppin complex i cant juz break down like tht only. So i kept all my tears to myself, i feel so sufferin at tht time. Well i knw wad role im playin in my life but i juz cant hold it any longer once i reach my hotel room i ran into the toilet pretended to go to bathe but actually i went in to cry.

I tot i can only hear tht song in my car and also shoppin complex around Malaysia only. I really nvr expect tht i can hear tht song in Thailand. Its is so easy for me to say to myself tht i can move on since she already moved on. But deep down inside i really dunno why i still holdin on and i dunno wad im waitin for. I really hope tht miracles happen and save me from all this heartbroken. Im not like this last time but God someone or somethin changed me into bein like this. Well i believe "out of difficulties makes miracle" hopefully it will turn out to be somethin good for me.

Frenz sure damn surprised to read my blog and to find me tht i havent move on actually. Cuz i was all alrite when i was wit them but when i come home, when im alone i tend to think back all the happy moments together. Maybe lots of ppl will think break up is a small matter, but to me breakin up wit someone tht i really really love can actually pull me down. I can be very strong outside but deep down inside no body knws tht im actually cryin inside.

I nvr love someone so much b4, really nvr. I can swear upon my life, i really hope tht my future relationship will be simple and innocent. I cant have my heart be broken again i really cant take all the pains. U knw this is the only way tht i can make myself feel better cuz i cant call up any of my fren in the middle of the nite and talk to them abt my feelins. This is the best solution for me to express myself, to write everythin out. Maybe everythin will be the same each time i write a blog. The word i love u really kill me, and the fact of bein in a relationship now will actually scared me.

To all my beloved frenz, i am so sorry tht ive become so bitter in life now. I hope u guys will understand me. Im sure u guys saw how happy i was last year before october. Im sorry ive changed.

10/08/09

2009-08-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever have the sweestest memory of u and ur loved one come rushin back to u in a minute?? Well i have it today when im on the way to work, when i listen to keyshia cole's song called i remember. I was almost crazy cuz at one point im happy and the other im actually havin my tears flowin down from my eyes. I was so surprised tht i will actually still have tears comin out from my eyes, i tot it was dried up already. Well wad can i say?? Already mention is the happiest moment of me and my ex.

Never tot tht im still havin tht feelin inside of me. Im tryin my best to climb up from my fall, to let go and to not to think abt my past but i dun think it is workin. Everyone said ive changed, i become very sensitive, emotional and even bitter. How can i ever change to be like last time anymore? I dun think i enjoy to be the new me..... i dun share wit ppl wad ever feelin i have anymore. All i knw is im so stress every single second, minute and hours lately.

Im kinda surprised cuz lately i started talkin wit one of my exes again, i tot tht we can nvr talk to each other in our lifetime anymore. My growin up stage is so sufferin, wad ever i wished for will nvr happen and wad ever relationship tht im in will be damn sweet for the first few months and then the opposite things will happen... im very tired wit all of this things already.

How can i ever get out from this kind of lifestyle. Wonder can i actually let go of the one tht im in love wit now?? Wonder when only i can do it. Wanna stop myself from bein so miserable already.

why does this alwayz happened to me

2009-07-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day for the month of july. Time passes so fast.... its already 8 months after wad happened to me. When i think back, i notice i alwayz attract those girls who are straight, in a relationship, juz for fun and even married. The other day i went out with few frenz of mine and i get to knw this girl who'd married and she's attracted to me.

From then on my phone never fail to ring or never fail to receive any smses. I feel so stress, and got no one to turn to so i have to hurt this girls feelin to the maximum make her hate me and even make her cry. I apologize to her and told her tht im not available for any relationship at the moment, even if i am also i wont choose her cuz i knw tht there's no endin in between me and her. Eventhough i do need someone to be by my side to share my happiness and all my sorrows. I miss all the times when i need to text my loved ones once i woke up from sleep, miss all the chit chats and hanging out together.

Well those were the days when i havent change til become like this. I found out tht nowadays i dun really like to go out or even communicate wit ppl. Cuz i felt it was useless, cuz no matter how hard i try to hold on to my loved ones they will alwayz leave me. Wad abt now?? Wad if i love some one now? I dun dare to tell them tht i have feelins for them either cuz i scared ill fall into sentimental moments again. I've fought so hard for me to climb up again after my loved one left me.

Please someone help me to climb up faster and heal me from all the heartbroken.
I really need to move on.......

I wish she could have read it

2009-07-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Its 2.25am now and i am still awake thinkin alot while listenin to songs. I dunno wad i can do now but to write a new blog since its been a long time i nvr write one. Maybe everyone will think i will juz write the same old thing wad shud i do and stuff….well i think this time will be much more different. I believe everyone will crave for somethin or someone, will have grief as well.
I’ve been to china to work, went away from my family and frenz here and also the person tht i wanted to see the most but i knw its impossible and now im back in msia. Everythin has changed now. My beloved nephew is safely been brought out to this world. He is so cute, guess this is my first time sayin a kid or a baby cute and for the first time i pamper him alot. I used to be so hot tempered and stubborn but everythin is different now. Sometimes not bein in a relationship is best for me but at the moment i will feel lonely as well, hopin tht the right one will come to me and comfort me. Im cravin for a gfs love, somethin tht is very hard for me to get from a gf.
Lately, ive been watchin this movie tht reminded me lots of things. The movie is like this guy will fall in love wit a girl older than him. Then slowly slowly the girl also will fall in love wit tht girl until one day she chooses to return to the long term bf and get married. Leavin tht guy alone tryin to fight for her again. Just like me, i fall in love wit a girl tht is older than me. I knw she have a bf for 3 or 4 years cant remember anyway we both fall in love wit each other and things are so good together, happy moments, blissful moments, everythin also got but one day she decided to get married to tht bf and leavin me behind tryin to fight for all the feelins tht im feelin.
She didnt even tell me tht shes gettin married until one day i have a dream abt it and i decided to ask her only she told me the truth. I didnt knw tht the girl is engage to the bf long time ago if i knw i wouldnt continue wad im goin thru wit her cuz at the end of the day ill be the most heartbroken one. I loved her so much and i learn how to be a responsible person for her. Guess its not enuf, well i am here still fightin wit those sad feelins inside of me, tryin to heal my broken heart. I alwayz wish tht i can hear her say “joel, im here for u”, “joel, u make me so happy”, “joel, i miss u”, “joel, i love u”, “joel, i wanna come back by ur side” one more time but now i realize tht all i really wanna hear from her now is “joel, im happy now bein in a married life and i feel blissful” thts all matters now.
I asked her the other day whether she hates me or shes avoidin me or not, but all she answers NO. If really no, why we cant talk to each other anymore? why is there such a big gap in btw us? I dun think its becuz she still love me cuz she told me once tht she dun love me anymore which i dunno whether its the truth or not. All i knw is when she told me ‘ i dun love u anymore’ the pain is like i was stabbed by a knife few hundred times and my heart juz fell to the floor and break into pieces. Until today, this hour, this minute and this second i am still hurt by her action towards me yet i am still tryin to be there for her, try to talk to her but my effort is juz a waste cuz she wouldnt wanna talk to me. I cant force her to talk to me cuz i knw it wont work. I juz hope tht there’s a miracle in this whole thing.
Well its gettin late now, have to go sleep cuz i still need to wake up and go to work. Will write more when i feel like writin. Hope tht she will read my blog and understand wad im goin thru. May god blesses me.